Kuwait Times

Published Date: June 18, 2009
By Hussain Al-Qatari, Staff writer

KUWAIT: Fatima, in her mid-forties is a mother of three sons, all of whom are adults now. Fatima got married to the father of her children when she was in her early twenties. They had an unsteady married life; her husband married a second wife ten years into their marriage and deserted her for over a year. He then decided to finally divorce her after she began to live with the reality that he was married to another woman.

Fatima is now married to a man in his early fifties, who is also divorced. The couple lives together in peace in a big house that they both bought. Fatima says she will retire by the end of this year and start living "the rest of the life" she has always dreamed of.

Fatima says she never felt rejected as much as she did when her husband married his second wife, an older divorcee with five children from two failed marriages. "I knew that he was not faithful to me, but somehow that didn't bother me as much as the news of his marriage," she said. "I always repeated what my mother told me over and over: 'It is just a phase. He will come back to his senses. It is just a phase.' But when I found out he was actually married to her, my whole world was shaken.

Fatima says that this was followed by a series of questions from her friends and relatives. "Did he complain about your weight? Do you satisfy him in bed? Do you cook for him? Do you keep the house clean? Do you spend a lot of his money?
I asked for a divorce, and he refused. He left the house for me and the kids and only visited occasionally. When he did, I slept in the living room or in the children's room. One day he called me while I was at work and told me that he wanted to get a divorce. I felt completely worthless, as if I had no say at all in anything. He kept our marriage just to spite me, and when I was actually making the effort to get used to it, he decided that we needed to get a divorce.

Growing trend of multiple marriages

Fatima's story illustrates many other similar narratives in society today. Whether in secret or publicly, a lot of men marry before they take a second or third and even fourth wife for no good reason.

Kuwait Times spoke to social counselor Khaled Al-Mohannadi, who shared his opinion based on his experiences with such cases. He said that a lot of men marry for selfish reasons and sacrifice the future of their family without even caring.

If you notice, the majority of second-marriages are not arranged marriages. The man who is already involved in a marriage meets a woman outside his marriage and they plan their commitment together," he said. This does not mean that arranged marriages are completely wrong, argued Al-Mohannadi. It means that people should encourage themselves to speak openly about their feelings and not force themselves into doing anything at all that they aren't convinced about.

After some time, there is a big chance that the couple will realize they don't want to be together; they have nothing in common. This, ideally, results in a divorce. But because of the social stigma of divorce, and because in many cases the couple comes to this realization after having had a child or two, they remain married but become emotionally-separated, or as we refer to it, 'emotionally divorced.'

Emotional divorce usually occurs when a couple fails to communicate. When both neglect their duties to each other and become less emotionally committed to each other, "they desert each other and become strangers who just happen to live with each other," said Al-Mohannadi. This can lead to the dissatisfaction of the wife, whether emotionally or sexually, and that leads her to seek different ways to satisfy her needs. These solutions, says the counselor, are sometimes illegitimate and destroy the marriage.


Polygamy as a sign of weakness

Al-Mohannadi continued to say that from his observations, the problem with polygamy is that the husband is usually weak. "The husband, in many of instances that I dealt with, is very emotional. It is always apparent that he loves this wife more than the other, and this is not right. He either gives them equal love and attention or the wife has the complete right to get a divorce. She has better chances with someone else. Staying in the marriage will make her feel unwanted, and it can cause a lot of distres
s for the entire family," he said. This usually reflects on the way the wife treats her children, and it can cause a lot of instability.

With regard to what would push the woman to be a second (or third or fourth) wife, Al-Mohannadi said that it is mostly the pressure of society. "Yes, in some cases it is love, which can blind the woman from seeing that she is destroying the stability of a whole family. But in many other cases, it is social pressure. In our society, we label an unmarried woman in her late twenties a "spinster." We judge a woman by her looks, her academic qualifications, the history of her family. A lot of women in our socie
ty are taught that they cannot find true love.

The solution to all problems is conversation, says Al-Mohannadi. He advised, "Conversation is an essential part that all Kuwaiti families lack. We don't talk. We don't converse about our feelings and our needs. If the picture isn't clear to us, how are we supposed to do anything right? Communicate, be honest and learn how to think as a 'we' rather than a 'me' when you are married.